Not too happy around these here parts lately. I guess I should finally write something and hope the 'by invitation only' blog permissions hold up. I hate this to sound like a 'poor, poor, pitiful me' post, but this is supposed to be something of a journal anyways, right? Besides, I have always been exceptional at feeling sorry for myself.

Things didn't go too well at work this year. Especially with my year-end review. I should have seen it coming (and so I blame myself) because I couldn't get a good read on my new manager. I had a feeling she wasn't too happy with the progress of my 'side project,' but it just didn't occur to me that a side project would effect my overall work evaluation status (and so I blame myself). I have always been one of those that tries to be helpful and please those that I work for and hope that my work will speak for itself without tooting my own horn, so to speak. I had gotten positive feedback from my peers, co-workers and 'internal customers' so I thought I was doing alright. My manager hadn't said that I wasn't doing what I was supposed to and that's why the whole thing came as rather a surprise. I have a hard time not blaming God (in fact I have done some of this and told myself that it's ok since I am supposed to tell Him how I feel) but I suppose it's all part of the R8:28 greater good thing. I am of course extremely happy that things are going better for B and that her tests have all come back negative and benign.

Meanwhile I am disappointed with myself how much my general attitude and mood are affected by how things go at work. I know as a christian I should have a more eternal perspective and not let these little worldly problems affect my attitude (and so I blame myself). I hate being grumpy and that makes me even grumpier. I try to 'put a good face on' but it only seems to last so long and it is so tiring. I would love to just quit and move back to Germany or out into the country and make a living repairing tractors or something, but that's just a fantasy too.

Ah well, I have the new year to look forward to and try to be "a good sport" and "keep a stiff upper lip" and "be a team player" and learn how to sell myself better. I guess that is the downside of not being creative enough to sell something that you like to do. I envy those folks, and those who are recognized as experts. They get to sell something they believe in instead of someone that they don't.